My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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