I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
