New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
