yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
