Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
