Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
