I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
