I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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