Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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