Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
