Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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