He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
time to smoke my breakfast
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
