the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
