I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
