"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
