I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Soap is not a condiment
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
