And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
