I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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