My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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