i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
