Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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