The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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