i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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