Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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