Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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