There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
