and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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