Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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