I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
