can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
