My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You can't motorboat a personality
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
