Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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