I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
