No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
