why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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