I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
