Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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