omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Are we still banned from the library?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
