I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
