$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
