I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Someone signed my nipple.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
