letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
They took my balls.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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