Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
