Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
