the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
