I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
When did we convert life to cartoon?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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