guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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