Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
