I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you win again, gameday.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Hippo gnu deer
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
