he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
