There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If I die, sorry about rent.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
